How to Crush a Crush (Metaphorically)


Kobi Khong

This is a possible pick up line to woo a crush.

Kobi Khong, Photojournalist

With love in the air, and spring right around the corner, alongside roses and tulips, love is blooming from all directions. Whether it’s through adorable acts of affection or putrid portrayals of PDA, love is inevitable. Alas, it seems you have also been hooked by Saint Valentine, either a love at first sight scenario or a blossoming budding romance towards a friend; you’ve been pierced by Cupid’s arrow. Unfortunately woe is you, CoStar says your star signs are incompatible and the god of love’s shoddy shot has struck your heart only, leaving the light of your life lackadaisical to your love.

Therefore, since there is nothing more unpleasant than unrequited love, the only option is to crush your crush (metaphorically); with our patent pending three step program, we have a foolproof, sure-fire, money back guarantee method to eliminate Eros’s emotions: The Three D’s.

1. Distraction

They might be the apple of your eye, but hey! That doesn’t mean you can’t buy oranges, and who likes apples anyways? You’re a strong independent individual and you’re more than just a “simping” sucker, take some time to focus on the things that make you, you. Find some friends you can lean on and change the subject of your mind. Discover a new hobby, or indulge in your interests. Marriage Story is on Netflix, and what better way to distract yourself than with a movie that shows that love doesn’t always work out?

2. Distance

You know what they say, if you can’t beat em’– run away while you amalgamate your affection into a feasible foe. Mute them on Twitter, take the long way during passing period, move to Stockholm, Sweden; just do whatever you can to stop letting yourself linger on your love. Join a rehab group: instead of Alcoholics Anonymous, perhaps search for Affection Anonymous, and do your best to not relapse, Romeo. Think about how much happier Shakespeare’s play would have ended if Romeo just moved to Venice.

3. Discussion

This is the hardest step, but it might be the best option; talk to them. They’re human and so are you. Don’t blame yourself for feelings you can’t control, but at the same time, don’t blame them for not reciprocating feelings they don’t have. Have a genuine talk with them, but don’t have any expectations; learn from the moment and move on, and hopefully you can further strengthen your friendship. Emotions are like pee: they’re yucky and can make you feel nasty, but they’re something that’s natural, and if you hold in your bladder, one day it’s going to burst; tell them how you feel. Life’s too short for regrets, and as spine-chilling crushes might be, who knows what will happen, love’s a crazy thing.


It seems that Cupid has forsaken you; Songs of Taylor Swift have led you askew.

Not tales of Romeo and Juliet, Rather stuttering of words and palm sweat.

Catching their eyes from across the room– flustered; Big deep breath in, all your courage– mustered.

You take a step, you take a leap, a chance; Your legs forget to walk, such is romance.

A shriek, before you crash into the floor; Alas your world is over– quoth Al Gore.

Embarrassed, ashamed, beyond all belief; The whole squad laffin’, you? Coping with grief.

Stuck with only one solution, you try; To go find a new apple of your eye.

For unrequited love is out of style; Those pesky emotions, we must exile.

So pick up a hobby, learn a pastime; Buy a boyfriend pillow– Amazon prime.

Indulge your vice, bit of credit card debt; Fill your heart shaped hole with a new headset.

Now all of these things are dandy to do; But hear me out, what if they do love you too?

“BLASPHEMY, LIES!” Guys, I know what you’ll say; But the only thing guaranteed? Today.

You’re stuck on all the things that could go wrong; However, shoot your shot and move along.

Life is too short to worry about ifs; Take a leap of faith, jump off those cliffs.

Yes, it’s true you might end up a pancake; A clown shaped hole, that caused the earth to quake.

But you never will know unless you try; For if you decide to shoot for the sky,

An arrow from cupid soaring above; One day, you’ll hit your mark, and you’ll find love.