A Pro at Procrastination


Dear Reader,

                As a graduating senior, I would like to offer my younger readers advice on mastering the art of procrastination. First and foremost, you must convince yourself that you work better under pressure. Remember back to those delicious moments when you pulled an assignment off in the final hour only to receive an unexpectedly high grade? That is your evidence for embarking on what is clearly a logic-defying task, namely putting off studying for that test, writing that essay, working on that project until the last possible moment. You must be able to justify your poor choice, so hunt up those moments so you can prove to yourself that this is actually a good decision.

                Next, find a number of distractions that desperately need your attention: activities that absolutely need to take priority over the school work you don’t want to tackle. Certainly, there must be a series on Netflix that needs watching. Obviously, you must respond to the 22 messages that just popped up on your phone from the group text you just initiated. Clearly, you could not possibly get off the video game you are playing because the group you are playing with will lose this round because of your inconsideration. Find what works for you; priorities are most important in the procrastination process.

                Finally, you must remind yourself of the joy that procrastination brings. There is nothing like staying up way into the night to finish an assignment. The deals you make with yourself at these times are priceless. I’ll just sleep for thirty minutes and get up to finish that essay. If I read the first sentence of every paragraph, I’ll have enough of the story down to pass that quiz. Expert procrastinator Jake Johnson (11) gives incite into the art: “it’s not just something that you ‘do’, it’s a lifestyle”  Not to mention the wonderful feeling of burning eyes and heavy eyelids that follow you for days after one of these oh-so-enjoyable experiences. And don’t forget about the stress! Who doesn’t enjoy that sick feeling in your stomach when you realize you are totally ill-prepared for a test? Who doesn’t revel in cramming in an assignment at break or at lunch when your friends are sitting around eating and talking?

                As I sit here writing my final article for newspaper at the last possible moment, I submit to you that I clearly practice what I preach. If I have bags under my eyes or nod off in class tomorrow, you will understand. I have become a procrastination professional. It’s a gift, one that I am selflessly sharing with you!