Breaking News: Donald Trump Contributes to Depletion of Earth’s Oxygen Levels

Emily Valenciano, Guest Writer

Republican presidential nominee, Donald Trump, has decreased oxygen levels on a level, in the words of the eloquently spoken and articulate politician, “no one has ever seen before.” The cause of this rapid decline of this vital gas is a result of one thing: his sniffles.


In his second primary debate, Donald Trump was counted to sniffle 93 times in 90 minutes. Shortly after, it was reported that most people in the room claimed to feel light-headed and dizzy. Apparently, their unstable condition wasn’t just from the thought of one of the two major party candidates running America for the next four years, but from Trump’s robbery of their oxygen.


Once scientists recognized this fact, a study was conducted that measured Earth’s overall oxygen levels over the past six months, and it showed a 12.7% decrease since Trump started debating. Kenneth Kimmell, president of the Union of Concerned Scientists, responded to this discovery.


“Though, our union recognizes Trump’s overwhelming lack of concern for the global warming issue, it pains us ever more to think he’s contributing to it. Maybe we should build a wall to keep his sniffling out of America.”


But Mr. Kimmell, a wall doesn’t necessarily keep the environment safe from Mr. Trump’s excessive inhaling.


“No, no, no. This wall would be great, the finest wall anyone’s ever seen. It’d be huge. And, you know what the best part is? Mexico would pay for it.”


Bibliography Owen, Phil. “How Many Times Did Donald Trump Sniffle During Second Debate?” TheWrap. N.p., 2016. Web. 13 Oct. 2016.