“Communication is key”. You have probably heard this advice a million times before, especially regarding romantic relationships. However, this advice is virtually useless to most people because understanding how to communicate is an entirely different story. Simply spewing out nonsense and insults is not effective communication, so here are some specific tips to help you communicate better in any relationship.
Firstly, the most important thing about communication is that you need to use language that will make your opponent listen. Try not to start a sentence with “you” because that ends up sounding too accusatory, and the other person in the argument will be less likely to listen to you. Even if it is truly the other person’s fault and you want them to feel bad, try to start a sentence with “I.” For example, instead of saying, “You did this, and you also did that,” you can say, “I felt sad because you did this.” You are getting the same point across. However, the second example is better because it is more centered around your own feelings, which you are trying to communicate.
Another thing is that you should try not to use negative words that define someone. For example, don’t say, “You are stupid” or “You are selfish” because those sentences will not move a disagreement into a point of empathy. This ties backto the first point about not starting a sentence with “you.” They will only make your opponent very defensive, and this might trigger you to get more defensive, too. At that point, neither party is listening to the other, as both of you will be too busy defending yourselves. When this kind of mood is triggered, neither of you is in an open mindset as you are too focused on yourselves to take in what the other person is saying. Unless this person did something truly despicable, it is not helpful to describe their personality in a negative way when you are in an argument. Simply get your feelings across and tell them in a straightforward manner what they did wrong and how they made you feel.
Additionally, the time and place for communication is also important. I learned this tip from Kaitlyn Hwang (11), who said, “Try to communicate when you are both in a calm state because when you are angry, some things can come out too harsh.” Never communicate your feelings to someone when you know they are in a stressful situation. I know this sounds very self-explanatory, but it is insane how many people fail to grasp this concept. Even though it is very difficult to hold your feelings in, it is important to wait for the other person to be in a better place before you bring up a tough conversation. This way, they will be in the right headspace, and they will be more willing to hear you out.
Now, you might be thinking: it is so difficult to pay attention to these tips when you are angry or distressed at a specific person, so here is a tip to help with that. Write what you are going to say on the notes app or a piece of paper. I know this sounds so cheesy, but this helps you organize your thoughts whilst also relieving some of the tension inside of you. That way, when you are ready to communicate with this person, you can more effectively get your point across.
Overall, effective communication is a difficult skill to master. Not only does it take a lot of self control and patience, but it also takes a certain level of emotional maturity to know how to communicate your feelings to someone. But in the end, everyone must learn these skills so that they can maintain a healthy and loving relationship.
