The sight is a common one: rotting flesh, mangled body parts, distorted facial features. This is the stereotypical image of a zombie. With Halloween around the corner, the streets will be filled with this horrendous sight. The zombie apocalypse has always simply been a rumor, a small, frightened whispered mention, but on Halloween, the possibility becomes somewhat of a reality. The streets become filled with masked people in zombie suits, and the frightening image of zombies haunts a small child’s dreams later that night. All of this, however, are only simple preludes to an inevitable zombie apocalypse. The mere, watered-down costumes of zombies do not justify the true horrors that come when a real zombie apocalypse happens. Halloween does not invoke a paralyzing fear within people, causing a mass panic attack as floods of people rush to escape, pillaging stores and attacking any who dare to get in their way. No, Halloween does not have any of these consequences, and therefore people are not ready, are not expecting, the horrors that will come with the foreseeable zombie apocalypse. The world will be thrown into chaos unless there are those who are willing to share their privileged and specialized knowledge of zombies with others. Those who are, in their own way, saving humanity with their desperately needed advice. One of those people, one of those saviors, is our very own, Mr. Lloyd Walls.

Mr. Walls is an Economics and AP US History teacher, as well as a men’s basketball coach, here at Yorba Linda High School. However, in his pastime, he has devoted his time and efforts in acquiring all the knowledge possible about zombies. Through his immense research, the ever so kind and benevolent Mr. Walls has decided to become a savior of mankind. With the hopes of teaching others the way to survive the zombie apocalypse, he has decided to share his knowledge about zombies with the student body here at YLHS. Or who knows, maybe Mr. Walls is a zombie himself, secretly and manipulatively telling YLHS students and staff members to fall right into his human trap, one that will give him all the brains he could ever eat….either way, here is Mr. Walls’s Zombie Attack Guide:

It’s that time of year again; stores are stocking candy, pumpkins are being carved and humanity stands on the brink of extinction as a virulent pathogen threatens our very existence. Yes it’s Halloween, and as we turn our thoughts towards the supernatural (and what costume lets you bypass as much of our dress code as possible) I thought it best to have a break in the levity to have a discussion about a serious topic.

 Zombies.

I spoke at length last year about why Zombies are an underrated and unappreciated villain in the supernatural stable and this year is all about how to survive them. Avoiding joining the ranks of the undead is not as straightforward as it might seem, and with a possible mutation of Ebola a very real possibility, I am already on the verge of enacting my “Zombie Plan” and you should be too. Survival hinges upon how prepared you are for the disaster that has befallen you and your family and whether the disaster strikes from mundane or supernatural quarters, having a plan to survive may well be the only way to avoid the fate of so many of your hapless peers.

Step 1: Identifying the Outbreak

We’ve become inoculated to crises in our modern, 24 hour news cycle world. Constant exposure to alarmist posts on twitter and tumblr (which I can’t even) have created a subculture of crying wolf over relatively small events. Numb as we are, it creates the perfect alchemy of apathy and inattention that will allow a zombie outbreak to spread quickly enough to infect a city, country or continent. Knowing the early warning signs and the severity of the infection, are vital in measuring your response to the situation.

Common Signs:

• Several missing persons in or around wilderness or uninhabited areas
• Riots, seemingly without cause, that simultaneously break out in major cities around the country or globe and seemingly spread unchecked
• Mysterious deaths from an undefined illness, watch for cover-ups such as “West Nile” or “Mad Cow” or “Beiber Fever”
• Suppression of media coverage after initial reporting of above

Classification of Outbreak

• Class 1
  • Low level outbreak in third world country or rural area. Casualties and infected usually do not number more than 50. If you want to know what this looks like, just watch what your peers look like around finals as they shamble around the school.
• Class 2
  • City wide outbreak resulting in hundreds infected. Serious military response needed as police will likely not be able to handle infected. Outbreak zone may be as large as 100 miles and may well resemble L.A. after the last time the Kings won the Stanley Cup.
• Class 3
  • A true threat to the living, Zombies will number in the hundreds of thousands and pose a danger to civilization. The cleanup may take months and will involve coordinated military and police efforts, martial law, restricted travel, rationing of food and water, disruption to utilities, strictly monitored communication and quarantine protocol that may extend to the borders of a small country. A complete breakdown of society within outbreak zone is likely, with rioting and looting adding to the mayhem slowing down response. Those trapped within will be at mercy of the undead as leaders struggle to come to grips with what is happening. Also you might miss some of your favorite T.V. shows and some people on Facebook might change their relationship status to “It’s VERY complicated” as significant others become infected.

Have A Plan

Much like any other disaster, you should be conducting regular Zombie drills with your friends and family. Though others may see you as “ridiculous”, “tall” and “dangerously insane” their opinions will quickly change once the Zombies show up.

Step 1: Supplies

• Fans of shows like “The Walking Dead” will be quick to point out how most of the show is the survivors desperate for food, medicine, pumpkin lattes, etc. Planning ahead for these vital needs is one of the most important things you will do to insure your survival in a world gone mad. Most of us would have no idea what to do if Jamba Juice shut down, let alone if we had to forage for food on our own. Make sure you have a good supply of dehydrated food at your residence ready to go…just in case.

Step 2: Escape

• When the Zombies hit the fan and it’s time to leave (and in my case scream like a toddler) you need to have a clear cut destination. Any of you who are planning on heading to Cosco and holing up with all that food might as well just go French kiss a walker right now. Staying in one place surrounded by the undead is just a very boring way to go. Instead, you need to find a place free of the corpse eaters and I happen to have just such a destination. The Canadian north! It’s so cold that Zombies, who lack body heat and basic hygiene, will freeze solid. The area parallel to Alaska should be just fine and the people are a delight. I’ll see you there, bring lots of flannel.

Step 3: Danger

• Judging by the way most of you drive in the parking lot I suspect many of you believe you are immortal. I can assure you that aside from the one kid who sparkles in the sun, you are not. Step 1 in avoiding death in a zombie apocalypse is realizing that the Zombies are not your main concern. Sure they are a danger, but so is everything else that was a danger prior to the outbreak. Take steps when you are traveling to avoid these risks. If it seems like a stupid thing to do right now, it’s even more so after the Zombie apocalypse. A broken leg now gets you sympathetic snap chats, after the world collapses it gets you eaten.
• The biggest danger is other people. Similar to a group project in Language Arts, survival in a Zombified world is going to feel like the entire human race was placed here to work against you. When picking your rag tag team that will be pitted against horrors that most of us cannot imagine, I would suggest you travel light. Anyone who has taken my classes or been cornered in the copier room has already heard my zombie plan, but I’ll sum it up for you here. Don’t take more than one or two people. In every story about zombies inevitably there is a moment of betrayal as someone must be sacrificed for the “greater good” (I’m talking to you Shane from The Walking Dead!) and let me tell you, it’s not going to be me. Furthermore, can you really trust your current friends to tell you if they get bit? You can’t even trust them not to embarrass you in front of your crush.

This is meant to be a simple primer on your Zombie plan, not a how to manual (for that check out Max Brooks’ excellent Zombie Surivival Guide) and as such should be taken with a grain of salt. We’ve only just scratched the surface after all; we haven’t touched the different types of Zombies you might encounter, or got into the debate currently raging on the merits of hatchets over machetes and I wouldn’t be arrogant enough to explain siege strategy in a converted prison or school. With that being said, these are all things you should be thinking about and on the off chance that we don’t all end up as gruesome parodies of the living by next year we can always discuss it then. Enjoy the holiday, trick or treat, watch a scary movie and hug those loved ones close; you never know if the day might come where they’ll be hugging you close for a bite.